helpwithdbt.com
helpwithdbt.com
Interpersonal effectiveness: What is it?
These are the skills that help us build and maintain relationships, resolve conflicts, and ensure our wants and needs are being met effectively. They also build our sense of self-respect, personal values, and boundaries
There are THREE main goals of interpersonal effectiveness:
FACTORS THAT GET IN THE WAY
The number one factor that prevents you from using interpersonal effectiveness skills and having healthy relationships is not having the skills that you need.
Other factors that get in the way are:
GIVE
This skill focuses on others to help build and maintain relationships.
We do this by balancing our own wants, needs, and desires with those of others.
Healthy relationships are grounded in validation and genuine interest.
This is the key to resolving conflicts.
GENUINE/GENTLE
Be honest, sincere, and real with others. Speak and act from your heart with caring words and actions. Use mindfulness to be fully present with others in the moment. Let others know that you value them and treat them with respect.
INTERESTED
This comes from efforts to connect with people. Let others have the focus. Actively listen and pause to take space before responding. Ask questions and listen to the answers. Be mindful of your nonverbal communication. Nonverbals communicate a great deal of information to others, both intentionally and unintentionally. Nonverbally, interest is communicated by looking at the person, making appropriate eye contact, and keeping your posture open and relaxed.
VALIDATE
Nonjudgmentally acknowledge the other person's feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and experience. This is "walking a mile in their shoes" and seeing life from their perspective. We validate when we find other people's truth and how their experiences make sense given their life circumstances and the situation. Remember to validate yourself too!
EASY MANNER
Treat others with kindness and a relaxed attitude. It also means not being heavy handed with our judgments, opinions, and viewpoints. Allow space for others. With boundary setting, we can always raise this intensity as needed. It is typically most effective to start with a relaxed and laid-back manner.
FAST
With these skills, we focus on self-respect and developing a healthy relationship with yourself. This includes our own priorities, goals, and values so that we can ensure our decisions align with those things. When we build our relationship with ourselves, it gives a solid foundation to build effective relationships with others.
FAIR
Take a nonjudmental stance with yourself and others. Avoid extremes and ground yourself in interactions with others. Think of fair weather being neither too hot nor too cold and without storms. Keep a moderate climate with others without whipping up the bad weather. Use repectful words and actions with yourself and others. Others do NOT need to earn your respect. We treat others with respect because it builds our own self-worth. Respond rather than react in relationships.
APOLOGIES ARE NOT NEEDED
Do not engage in unneeded apologetic behavior. Do not apologize for having an opinion or for your own viewpoints. You are allowed to disagree. Do not apologize for being you. Avoid apologies for things over which you have no control. Chronice, unnecessary apologies erode self-respect and devalue apologies that are genuinely needed. This does not apply to situations that require apologies such as hurting someone.
STICK TO YOUR VALUES
Use your priorities, values, and goals as guides and ground yourself in them. Choose behaviors and have interactions with others that build your self-respect. Identify what is important to you and stick to it. Know what values are non-negotiable, and when values conflict, work to resolve the conflict. Live your life grounded in values.
TRUTH + ACCOUNTABILITY
Be honest and accountable with yourself and others. Sometimes we avoid the truth because we are afraid of the consequences. Trying to deceive others destroys self-respect and often causes greater problems. Even if you have a great memory and can avoid getting tangled in a web of lies, YOU will still know the truth. Being accountable is more effective. Act in a manner that respects your true abilities. Avoid feigned helplessness and excuses. Take responsibility for yourself!
DEAR MAN
This skill teaches us assertiveness.
With DEAR MAN, we can ensure that our wants and needs are met more reliably.
We can also learn to say no, set boundaries, and negotiate when needed.
In this skill set, we can also build confidence and competence.
DESCRIBE
Outline the situation in nonjudgmental language. Just state the facts. Look specifically at the factors that will support your request, your reason for saying no, or your need for a boundary.
EXPRESS
Share your opinions and feelings if they relate and will help others to understand the situation. Sometimes you may choose to not include this step.
ASSERT
Ask clearly for what you want or need, say no, or set your boundary. Establish your goals up front so you know what you want out of the situation. Work to be straight forward and matter of fact. This step is ESSENTIAL. Visualize your "superhero stance" in your head as you move into this phase. If this stage is skipped, no one will know what you want or need.
REWARD + REINFORCE
Let others know what is in it for them. How will meeting your wants and needs, accepting your refusal, or respecting your boundaries benefit the relationship? Focus on rewards and reinforcement over threats. Create opportunities for others to feel positive about their help and respect for you. Sometimes we need to discuss consequences instead of rewards, especially with setting appropriate boundaries. Be matter of fact. Avoid ultimatums that will box everyone in.
MINDFULNESS MATTERS
Use a "broken record" approach. Others will often try to change the subject or throw in comments to get you off track. Repeat your request or limits over and over again. Be aware when the broken record technique is not working and switch strategies accordingly.
APPEAR CONFIDENT
Act as if you feel confident, even if you do not. Pretend you have the confidence you have seen someone else model. Use an assertive tone of voice, make eye contact, and use confident body language. Be mindful of your facial expressions and keep them neutral. Use nonverbal communication to your advantage. Write down and practice your skills, preferrably in a mirror, so that you can feel more confident in the actual situation.
NEGOTIATE
This means that we strike compromises and are willing to give to get. Decide what compromises make sense if you cannot meet your desired goal. If you get stuck, turn the issue over to the other person for options to solve it. You can say "What do you think will work?" This is a dialectical strategy that can help you get your wants and needs met someplace in the middle. In some cases, negotiation might not be an option, such as with boundary setting.
EFFECTIVE CONFLICT RESOLUTION
We all have conflicts with others at some point. Sometimes we may try to avoid conflicts at all costs. Conflict resolution takes a balance of skills. Use the following steps to guide you through the process effectively.
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This website is intended for information and educational purposes only. No information presented is intended for counseling or treatment. Use of this website does not form a counseling relationship. For more information please contact me at blair@blairbucklerlpc.com